Numb
by kittycat1810
Summary: Songfics. First up Numb by Linkin Park. I do not own anything!


**Depressing, but I thought it was fitting. Hope you like it!**

**I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
>Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface<br>Don't know what you're expecting of me  
>Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes<strong>

Alex couldn't be Ian. He couldn't pretend to be a spy or a kid. He wasn't either anymore. He never was religious, but he had thought that he could have faith in Ian, after all, Ian was family. He was lost under his emotions. He could swim better than navy SEALS, but he was drowning inside. He had no idea what anyone expected of him. He knew Ian expected a lot from him, but not exactly what he expected. Everyone expected him to be Ian or his dad. He wasn't them though. They weren't teenagers forced into an adult world. They didn't enter the world with SCORPIA already after them.

**(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)  
>Every step that I take is another mistake to you<br>(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)**

He was stuck in this world. He wanted out, but he was caught. Everything had been a mistake to Ian. It was always "Your kick needs to be higher to get at someone's head. Now the angle is wrong. Now your leg isn't high enough" like it was his fault he wasn't Ian's height when he was six. Smiling, laughing, crying, all emotions were weaknesses to Ian. Everything was. He was caught in the adrenaline, in the lifestyle of a spy.****

_**[Chorus:]**_**  
>I've become so numb, I can't feel you there<br>Become so tired, so much more aware  
>I'm becoming this, all I want to do<br>Is be more like me and be less like you  
><strong>

He felt nothing. He was numb. He couldn't feel anything anymore. During school, he couldn't tell when someone was by him or talking to him. He was to tired and aware of the world to have any connection with anyone since Jack and Tom died. He was far too tired of the world and too aware of the worst parts of the world. Alex knew he was becoming more of an assassin, a machine, a monster, a spy, than he was an agent or a kid. He never wanted to be like his family. He wanted to be himself, a kid, a teenager, not an agent. Not a spy. Not an assassin.

**Can't you see that you're smothering me,  
>Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?<br>'Cause everything that you thought I would be  
>Has fallen apart right in front of you.<strong>

Ian had forced his ideas onto him. He hadn't wanted them. Ian kept control of him setting strict rules even though he wasn't there. Ian had thought he would be an agent when he was older. Ian was wrong. As soon as Alex was 18, he would be out of England. Out of the government. Forever. Ian's vision must be falling apart. Haha. Ian has had this coming.

**(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)  
>Every step that I take is another mistake to you.<br>(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)  
>And every second I waste is more than I can take.<br>**

He was stuck. No escape. Only emptiness and pain. It was growing. Pain was his escape. Everyone would consider the scars, cuts, and writing on his arms to be a mistake, but it was the only thing keeping him human, keeping him from being a monster; a machine. Every second he wasn't in physical pain was unbearable. When he wasn't in pain, killing himself was the answer.

**And I know  
>I may end up failing too.<br>But I know  
>You were just like me with someone disappointed in you.<br>**

He knew he would fail one mission someday. One mission would be enough. He would die. Ian and Dad would be so disappointed. He would fail and they would treat him as a disgrace in the afterlife. Oh well. If they were disappointed in him, he could be disappointed in them too.****

_**[Chorus:]**_**  
>I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.<br>(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)  
>I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.<br>(I'm tired of being what you want me to be) **

He couldn't take any more. He was dying from the inside out. He wasn't what they wanted. He wouldn't be what they wanted. He would quit. He couldn't take it. His life and his MI6 career was over. No more blackmail; no more pain; no more killing; no more numbness; no more life.

_**No more.**_

**Hope you liked it. Song suggestions are taken. Please review **


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